Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Bittersweet Surrender

There is a song by Big Head Todd & the Monsters that describes how I feel right now. The words say, "It's bittersweet, more sweet than bitter, bitter than sweet, it's a bittersweet surrender." Tomorrow is my last day at Children's Medical Group and I can't decide how I really feel. I'm excited one moment, scared the next, ready for it, freaked out, sad, happy, etc. This was a tough decision for me to make, and for some reason, I am still questioning it. I am not sure why, and Dr. Smith (the MD that I work for) even said himself that there is nothing better for a child than their mother to be home with them. So, everything should be ok, right?

I tried to break it down last night as I laid awake in bed (with a screaming child all night you get used to lying awake in bed) and I think I finally figured it out. I think I am afraid of losing my identity. I am a pediatric nurse, I know what I am doing and although it is the BIGGEST oxy-moron to think I am "just going to be a mom," it scares me. At work, I can diagnose an ear infection with just a few symptoms from a mom, I can spot strep throat a mile away, pneumonia can't hide from me and I can look at an immunization record and tell you exactly what you need or don't need. I can give shots with my eyes closed and tell you doses of medicines and the right ones off the top of my head. However, I am not sure that being a mom is so simple. Nursing is hard, don't get me wrong, but I know that what I am now up against is way harder than anything I've done in scrubs. It scares the mess out of me. I think this is why I am bittersweet.

Don't get me wrong, I'm already planning out my days and getting a schedule down (of course scheduling treadmill time so that I can run and watch Ellen) and planning playdates, etc. I am really looking forward to being able to clean the house more than just once a week (yep, there is the OCD). But, I will miss my days at CMG. I will miss Thursday afternoons falling apart at the seams, insane requests from parents, laughing because I am so swamped that I don't know if I'm coming or going, my sweet patients, telling Dr. Smith over and over how it would be if I ruled the world, etc. But this is a new chapter, I am hanging up the RN for a while. Wish me luck!

PS - Thanks for all of those (friends, patients, etc) who have helped me with this decision. Some parents at work (you know who you are) have been soooo supportive and helping me in being okay with my decision. So, here we go trying out to be "just a mom."

9 comments:

The Marion Family blog said...

Hey girl. I finally got on your blog. Your family is just precious! Your little girl is beautiful! I wish you all the best being a stay at home mom. It is so hard but so rewarding. You will love it. We will have to get the kids together after Christmas. We have to get out of the house everyday or mom goes crazy!!! Talk to you soon.

Andy, Katie, and Leighton said...

I know exactly how you feel right now! I was in your same place not that long ago. There are going to be days where you wish you were at work but there are many more days that you will be so glad you are home now. I can't wait for us to have a play date soon! Playdates are what keep us stay home moms from not going crazy! I crave adult conversation these days! We will make a date soon!

Kristen said...

amy! you just had me in tears! i am so proud of you!!! i know you have been wanting to do this for a while and even though i quit for different reasons, i so know how you you feel!! there are days when i miss it alot, but you know they'll always need you :) so you can hop back in whenever you feel like it! however, i know dr. smith is so sad to lose his super nurse. but you are going to have so much fun with louisa! you have to do whats best for your family because they are the most important ones. for me its so i get to actually have a normal relationship with my husband after being apart for 2 1/2 years. wait, scratch that normal part, you know we're not normal! and when i work prn you know im still gonna call you and gripe! at least we have that crazy place to thank for our friendship!! ok now im getting all cheesy- see you tomorrow at lunch!

Rebecca said...

Ames, you are way too smart for your own good, quit examining everything and just be confident in your decision! Do you know how many people (me included) are so jealous that you even have the option of staying home with your baby? I cry all the time because I hardly get to spend any time with Peyton at all. You are a great nurse, but your daughter needs you more and deserves all of your time and attention. I know you are going to go crazy every once in a while, but you have many hobbies to keep you busy, go play with some fabric, or buy some school supplies and do some color coding (we are sickos!). I love you girl and I know you are going to be sooo much happier! I love you, and will be here if you need me, as always. Please come home soon.

Tori said...

I know this is hard, but once you get into your schedule it will be great. I am so excited and can't wait to hang out more and for Ella and Louisa to hang out more....we got to work on that sharing!

The Milan Family said...

I intended to drop by yesterday @ CMG to give you a big hug, but I have an eye infection in both eyes and I didn't dare want to risk infecting anyone. I am going to miss you so much! You are the BEST nurse ever! I totally get how you are feeling. One day at a time is all any of us have! I would love to have a playdate soon! Your sweet family is in my prayers! Keep in touch! xoxoxox, Courtney

Gracie and Bryan Gaspard said...

I just cried!! You are a fantastic Mom! Remember that just because you and hanging up nursing for now does NOT mean that you are hanging up nursing forever! That is the great thing about life...there are so many different seasons in life to do so many things! You will ALWAYS have your degree and skills and you can ALWAYS go back one day if you choose! Have so much fun with your sweet little girl!

pmginn said...

I'm trying to grasp the concept of WANTING to clean the house more than once a week. Ack!

Ryan, Jenny, Crew and Carrington said...

We will certainly miss seeing you at CMG and calling and driving you crazy with our questions because we just don't know.=) BUT, I admire the step that you've taken in choosing to stay home with Louisa. For me, it's not a matter of if I want to stay home or not, but that we are not financially able for me to do so. So, enjoy it all during this season of your life. You won't lose your identity, and you'll have plenty of friends calling wanting free diagnosing.=) Plus, you will have lots of fun hanging with your sweet little girl who won't be little forever. What a great opportunity. I'll be thinking about you! Keep on posting!

P.S. C&C will miss their favorite nurse ever.=)