There is a song by Big Head Todd & the Monsters that describes how I feel right now. The words say, "It's bittersweet, more sweet than bitter, bitter than sweet, it's a bittersweet surrender." Tomorrow is my last day at Children's Medical Group and I can't decide how I really feel. I'm excited one moment, scared the next, ready for it, freaked out, sad, happy, etc. This was a tough decision for me to make, and for some reason, I am still questioning it. I am not sure why, and Dr. Smith (the MD that I work for) even said himself that there is nothing better for a child than their mother to be home with them. So, everything should be ok, right?
I tried to break it down last night as I laid awake in bed (with a screaming child all night you get used to lying awake in bed) and I think I finally figured it out. I think I am afraid of losing my identity. I am a pediatric nurse, I know what I am doing and although it is the BIGGEST oxy-moron to think I am "just going to be a mom," it scares me. At work, I can diagnose an ear infection with just a few symptoms from a mom, I can spot strep throat a mile away, pneumonia can't hide from me and I can look at an immunization record and tell you exactly what you need or don't need. I can give shots with my eyes closed and tell you doses of medicines and the right ones off the top of my head. However, I am not sure that being a mom is so simple. Nursing is hard, don't get me wrong, but I know that what I am now up against is way harder than anything I've done in scrubs. It scares the mess out of me. I think this is why I am bittersweet.
Don't get me wrong, I'm already planning out my days and getting a schedule down (of course scheduling treadmill time so that I can run and watch Ellen) and planning playdates, etc. I am really looking forward to being able to clean the house more than just once a week (yep, there is the OCD). But, I will miss my days at CMG. I will miss Thursday afternoons falling apart at the seams, insane requests from parents, laughing because I am so swamped that I don't know if I'm coming or going, my sweet patients, telling Dr. Smith over and over how it would be if I ruled the world, etc. But this is a new chapter, I am hanging up the RN for a while. Wish me luck!
PS - Thanks for all of those (friends, patients, etc) who have helped me with this decision. Some parents at work (you know who you are) have been soooo supportive and helping me in being okay with my decision. So, here we go trying out to be "just a mom."