Thursday, January 21, 2010

She is Beautiful, and She is Mine



I know that parents are always biased about their own children, so I will feed off of that in this post. I really will be completely one-sided on this one just because she is my kid. But do you ever have those moments in which you just fall so madly in love with your child that you cannot even grasp the concept? It takes my breath away sometimes. This picture is one of those moments. She just amazes me. When I say beautiful, I don't just mean outer beauty. She is just such a mess and so sweet and so stinking adorable that it is all of it put together.

Mind you, I was not one of those mothers that fell in love with their child instantly. Isn't that awful? I remember (granted it was foggy thanks to the IV Phenergan given to me the night before....heads up if you are ever my physician some day in time, Phenergan does not like me. Please don't give it to me, especially if you want me to push out a baby the next day) when my labor was FINALLY over and I was just exhausted and they brought Louisa to me wrapped up like a little burrito in a blanket and laid her on my chest. I remember that moment feeling amazed, but confused too. Isn't that strange? Then for the rest of the night it was like I was living in someone else's body while all of this was happening. Trying to learn to breastfeed, trying to figure out why my newborn baby wouldn't stop crying, trying not to focus on the incredible pain that I was feeling (I won't go into details, but you moms know what I mean) and all at the same time trying to figure out why I wasn't on cloud 9 like everyone always talks about. I was scared of being a mom instead of embracing it. It didn't come natural to me. For a long time I struggled with it, but in talking to other moms over the years I realized I was not alone. Now, I don't want this to be misconstrued by any means, I wouldn't trade it for the WORLD now, but it was such an adjustment to me.

Our life was a whirl-wind after delivery. We sold our house days before I had Louisa, I lost a grandmother while in labor that I didn't really get to mourn, I packed our house with a newborn baby that screamed all day long whether being held or not, my husband was working his tail off trying to get his rental property in line before we moved 8 hours away from it, we traveled to Jackson with a 10 day old to house hunt, we moved into my mother-in-law's house for a few weeks until we made the trek to Mississippi with a 6-week old to move into our house that we hadn't even closed on, we were in a brand new town with no friends or family, a newborn that was still screaming day and night and my husband started his residency and we soon learned that he would spend more hours at the hospital than at home. It was rough. I don't know if I necessarily suffered from the baby blues, but something went on that changed me. I honestly think it was insanity in it's true form. I was stuck in a house that was not unpacked with a baby that screamed and screamed and didn't eat and didn't sleep. It was terrible. I would buckle her in her swing and just go outside so I couldn't hear her scream and just cry and cuss and cry more. I was elated to go back to work when she was 5 months, and that is something that I am not necessarily proud of. But, somewhere in the last couple of years, things changed. She stopped screaming all the time and in turn started talking all the time, she still doesn't sleep....but we've grown accustomed to that, she eats like a horse now, and I am so in love with her that I cannot even explain it.

I just now realized that I got SO off the subject of this post that it is almost laughable. Nothing like my stream of consciousness mind. But, I will leave this because it is part of our life, maybe not the prettiest part, but it is part of it. And this blog is a journey/diary of our lives. I think it is important to also remember those "not so picture perfect" times.

But, what I wanted to talk about is another moment in which she just melted me. Lou is so incredibly obsessed with princesses and marriage and dresses and weddings and such that it cracks me up. Byron and I joke that she will one day be a wedding planner. :) But as we were up last night in the storms, she was telling me that she didn't want to go back to sleep because of the bad dreams. I honestly cannot imagine what a 2 year old has to fear, but it breaks my heart that she has these night terrors on a nightly basis. I mean, one would think that there was something that could be done. But as I was telling her as I usually do, "no more bad dreams Lou, only princess dreams the rest of the night" she looked at me and said, "Mommy I am a princess and I will marry my prince. Chapan is my prince and he will marry me." And with that, she laid down and went back to sleep, well for at least another 30 minutes. For those of you that don't know, "Chapan" is Chapman, my friend Julie's little boy. It cracks me up because all of us girl's here in MS have kids the same age...and they are all girls, except Chapman. He is the stud of the group. I haven't told Julie this yet, but Julie....I think it might can be arranged, huh? That is if Chapman isn't busy marrying all the other girls in his life. :)

I'm gonna wrap this one up before I go off on another tangent in the wrong direction. Plus, I've got the cutest little blondie tugging on my arm and asking me to "get off da cuuter Mommy. We's gotta go pway in da sunshine." And we are off.

Until next time...

12 comments:

kerisullivan said...

Amy- this one is precious. So precious. As a soon to be mama, I love that some of you folks are willing to say that the bonding didn't happen instantaneously. Of course we pray it will, but I'll feel a lot less like a horrible mother knowing it doesn't click immediately for everyone- esp if we're talking about nice sized tears where we dont' want tears :)

Julie, Mitch & Chapman said...

Amy, that is precious! And, arranged marriages work for me! : )

Sarah Broadus said...

Love it love it love it!!!

Elizabeth said...

amy, love the post. Sounds like we had a similar first couple months or so as moms. She is beautiful, and I LOVE that you write her dialogue in the blog! I can hear it! Keep on being a great mom! And raising an independent, sweet little girl!

Russ, Anna, Pepper and Vesper said...

love it! sweetest ever and so glad you have found that you are not alone in the "not instantly but eventually" in loveness with your children

Penny Ginn said...

You may be biased; but I didn't read a thing in your blog that wasn't absolutely true!

Carol said...

Maybe I'm biased too but whatever!!! The child is beautiful!!!!!! (& so funny!) I miss ya'll!

Playing Sublimely said...

Oh my dear...she is a dream! Tlak with you next week.

lnichols said...

Amen! And what an angel. She is so pretty, just like her mommy!

Kim said...

What beautiful pictures! I loved that blog...for some reason the lyrics, "You are not alone..." just popped into my head. We have got to get the girls together, I think they would have a great time. Once soccer is over, maybe I will have a life again and be able to make it to some of the alliance shin-digs.

HollyBerry said...

LOVE the beautiful Lousia...and what a great "post"er you are! you had me all emotional and stuff! have a good one...

Benitta said...

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

Lucy

http://toddlergirls.net