Friday, May 28, 2010

Ooooooh Snap!

Okay, me again. Tired of me yet? I know I just blogged yesterday, but here I am again, in your face. And, I am not even procrastinating which usually makes me blog a ton. Oh well…what I am about to blog about simply couldn’t wait. I had to get it out while fresh in my head. Mortification…in it’s true form.

Remember me talking about hemming my jiggly-suit top in the last post? Well, I did…and let’s just say it was no picnic. In fact, I was on the verge on losing my religion with the stretchy black material, my serger and anything else within 100 feet of me. Oh, it was bad. I was sweating by the time I was done, I could feel the redness in my ears and I think my blood pressure was maxed out. But, it is done. Not perfect, but it is no longer a dress. Phew. But, as I was modeling it in the mirror for myself, don’t worry…I am sparing you the pics, I realized it was just blah. It was just a black bathing suit, nothing special. It needed some bling. And I knew JUST what it needed. First, I fought the urge to bedazzle it, hahaha…just kidding on that, but I couldn’t resist. Phoebe, I know you laughed. So, after the grocery trip today I went to Michaels to find the perfect bling. Mind you, I wanted to go to Hobby Lobby and that is the entire reason I drove all the way out to Flowood to go grocery shopping instead of hanging around here. Let us also know that I was quite nervous as it was the same grocery store from this incident…and there were scattered storms, and I was wearing flip flops – so I was bracing for the inevitable. But, everything was fine…but as I crossed over 55 on Lakeland on the way home I realized, crap…I didn’t go to Hobby Lobby. So, anyways onward to Michaels with the tot in tow. And mind you, she was being an angel. I mean, sweet as pie no meltdowns, etc. This is record-breaking at the grocery store. Well, we get to Michaels and I am looking in the jewelry-making area for the perfect bling and it is cracking me up because the whole time Louisa is saying, “Mommy, do you wike dis one? Oooooooh hows bout dis? Oooooh mys, I lub dis one.” And each question goes up in pitch towards the end, hilarious. Well, of course she had the few ladies also looking at jewelry giggling with her antics. She even got courageous and told one lady that asked what she was looking for “Oooooh, wells, I jes helping my Mommy picks owts some blings for her new tinkini since she got a jiggwy bewwy.” Thanks Lou for the honesty. Of course, that got some giggles and the lady sweetly told Lou, “Well that is very kind of you. I have a tankini too for my jiggly belly and I wonder if mine needs bling too.” To which Louisa answered, “Well of course it does, silly.” So, we were all having a good time on the jewelry aisle at Michaels. Jolly good time. Then Louisa tells me she has to go potty, so I set all things down in a secret place so no one steals my bling and we head on back to the ladies room. The events that follow are hilarious now. Not then, not at all. But now I am laughing hysterically beyond my mortification. And I know that Lou is not the first to have done something similar, and will not be the last…so many of you moms out there might can relate and laugh along with me. But it killed me when it all happened.

So, we get to the ladies room. There are two stalls and thankfully the one that is open is the big one that has plenty of room to move around in with the two of us. Well, as we walked into the restroom I noticed there was a lady in the other stall and let’s just say she had to go potty. We have all been there before, it is never fun in public…but sometimes it just gets you. So, instantaneously my guard is up. I know, know, know that Lou is going to say something but I am trying to come up with ways to distract her. So far, so good. We get into the stall and cover all surfaces with toilet paper and such and then, it begins. “Mommy, it stinks in here. Garoooos. Do you mell dat?” To which I quietly tell Lou to focus on going potty and minding her own business. And she does, and I think, phew…that was okay, we can survive that. And then it happens, gas is passed and wind is broken in the other stall and Louisa about falls into the toilet laughing. “Hahahahaha, Mommy did you hear dat wady toot? Oh my gosh, it was so woud oohhh and it stinks so bads Mommy.” At this time, I am running over to her to pull her back up on the seat and cover her mouth with my hand and then I bend down to whisper in her ear, “Honey, this is not polite. That lady needs her privacy and you need to mind your own business.” To which the response…at a toddlers voice level, “Well Mommy, she might needs her pribacy but she awso needs to say scuuze me. You know dat is rude when you toot and you don say scuuze me.” Okay, I am dying at this point. Dying. Because I know the other lady hears us, and I know she is already embarrassed as it is without my 3 year old telling her her business. My ears are on fire and I can feel my cheeks burning. So, I say, “Lou lets finish up so we can go back and you can help me pick out my bling, okay?” “Well, otays Mommy. But I might need to frow up becaws it mells so stinky in her from dat wady’s toot.” Oh shit. There is no other word for it at this point. I don’t remember much of the rest of getting her off the toilet and out of the bathroom with washed hands. I felt like the walls were closing in on me. I should have just left the store at this point. But, I just figured the worst was over, right? Then I thought, should I go apologize to the lady in the stall? Or should I just leave well enough alone? I mean, what do you do in this situation. I know if it was me in the other stall, I probably would have been laughing too…only because I actively have a 3 year old and I know how it is. But, I don’t know who this lady is or how she would take it, etc. So, I just decide to go on and go back to picking out bling for the jiggly-suit. Then, it happens…hello Murphy and your stupid law, I haven’t missed you. A lady walks onto the same jewelry aisle and is looking at things with her buggy and I don’t pay her any attention just because I am steady hunting the perfect piece of jade stone. Well, Louisa noticed and she didn’t miss a thing. “Nook Mommy, dat is da wady from da bafroom that tooted loud and didn’t say scuuze me and made it mell so bad I almost frew up. I see her shoes, see….wook, its da same wady!” Oh holy junk. Louisa is all out pointing and we are standing feet away from this poor lady that I have ruined her day at Michaels and I am just about throw-up all over myself out of humiliation. In my mind is running the options, do I just leave now, do I make a scene and explain to her this isn’t appropriate or nice or do I apologize to the lady or do I just ignore it all? Then, the unthinkable…the lady looked at me and smiled. And then she started to laugh. And I was almost waiting for her to hit me or my child or something, and then she just smiled again and said to Louisa, “I am so sorry I forgot to say excuse me. That wasn’t very polite of me was it?” And I am cringing and thinking this woman has NO idea what can of worms she is opening asking this little one a question like that and then Louisa surprised the crud out of me and said, “No, it wasn’t powite, but its otay since you said you was sorrys. Sometimes I forget to say scuuze me when I toots and it is still otay, I jes hab to tell Mommy I’s sorry.” And the lady looks at me and must see the absolute terror on my face and tells me not to worry since she has a 16 year old girl at home that was the most out-spoken, precocious little thing when she was little…and she has been in my shoes and she knows how I feel. I wanted to hug her right then and there. Instead, we both just laughed. At first, a nervous laugh…but then it got funny and we laughed-laughed. And then Lou got tickled too and showed us both up with her drama-queen style of doing it up. And we recovered. And no one was hurt. And hopefully no tears were shed. I bought my bling and went to the car with my jolly little fireball skipping to the car while singing, “Come on vaminos, eberybody wets go…”

On the way home, after I was breathing again, I had the talk with Lou about being polite and minding your own business when in a public bathroom. And she continued to answer, “Yes mam” and “I understands” and such and I was getting so proud of her and being a big girl and having a semi grown-up talk with me until I turned me head to look and see her sitting back in her seat staring out the window with one finger up her nose, the other in her ear not paying a BIT of attention to me in the front seat. But yet, she knew when to answer and what I wanted to hear. Wow, this child is going to do a number on me. As I have said before, it is a darn good thing she is cute.


Until next time…

9 comments:

Amanda Jones said...

The answer to your question is no....I could never get tired of your post lol!!

That is just so stinkin hilarious and it sounds exactly like something Colby would do to me.

Our neighboor was working in the yard with his shirt off and Colby frantically ran up to him, pointing and hollering "WOW big belly!"

ummmm....so embarassing!

Ashley said...

OH MY LORD!!! I thought Bradley's "Hey Mom, Look at that man! He has a big nose!" (while pointing to someone in the next booth in Mellow Mushroom) was bad, but this takes the cake! I died laughing! Best story ever. I hope it puts me into labor!

Misty said...

Laughed myself to tears.

Keri Sullivan Ninness said...

That blog is the ONLY thing making being at work on memorial day worth it. I think I had to come to work today just to check my favorites list and laugh my jiggly butt off!

The Ainsworth Family said...

oh, my word i just laughed out loud and the kids asked me what was so funny.. hahah. going to think about that next time i go in to a public place. hahaha

Sara said...

My mom couldn't resist asking me what in the world I was laughing so hard at. Thanks for the great laughs!

Callie said...

You can't make this stuff up! Hil arious!!! I got a 50mm! Loves it!

Emeri Sorrells said...

Amy! I LOVE to 'stalk' your blog and this post made me so grateful for my stalking.(i have never met you but have ordered several brownie goose things). I totally laughed out loud like all the others. I cannot even imagine, but love your child and her honesty! I even made my husband read it, and he proceeded to also laugh out loud. This may have been his first blog reading experience and I am sure it is one he will remember!!

Emeri Sorrells said...
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