Friday, August 6, 2010

Another Day, Another Drama...


There once was a girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
And when she was good, she was very, very good,
But when she was bad she was horrid.

This is my child. But, there is no curl in the middle of her forehead. In fact, there will never be a curl anywhere on her head even if she uses hot rollers or a curling iron, that is…if she continues to have her mama’s hair. But oh dear. This child, she wears me out. See how cute and innocent she looks in this picture?

Please, and I mean PLEASE don’t let her fool you. Let me just share some recent Louisa moments with you. And, I don’t know how long this will take as my child who is supposed to be napping I can hear over the monitor saying, “Otay Mommy, I frew wif my naps. I’m done now, otay?” No mam. I JUST put you down. In fact, I think I will turn off the monitor so my ears can recover from today.

But rewind to yesterday first, I was feeling good. One of the first days in 7 weeks. I HAD, and I mean had to get out of the house. Granted, it was a bazillion degrees outside, but we ran to some consignment stores and then into Kohl’s since I had heard they had clearanced some kids stuff. Warning, don’t go…not worth it. Well, I must have muttered something to the effect that they didn’t have anything good or something like that for as we were leaving the store, Louisa smiled her great big-ole sweet smile, waved her pageant wave and told the lady at the register, “Thanks, but dis store is tewwable. It didn’t hab anyfing dat I needed. Geeze!” Oh dear. How had I forgotten what it was like to be in public with this sassafras?

Then today. First of all, I forewent the shower for a tub since I had put a call into the vet (this time about the cat who has a humongo hot spot on her tail, we are all slowly becoming sickly here and it is driving me cuckoo) and you know they would call as soon as I got in the shower. Before I worked at Children’s Medical Group, I didn’t understand the importance of being available when someone needed to call back, but oh dear….three days into the seat of a pediatric clinic nurse and I felt the wrath for people who called me and then made themselves unavailable and told myself I would NEVER do that. So, here I am in the tub and I hear a major, MAJOR meltdown occurring in Louisa’s room. I ask her what is wrong and she cannot answer me because of the severe dramatics that are taking place. I mean, she is screaming and throwing such a fit, I finally grab my towel and wash off a half-shaved leg to go and make sure that she isn’t hurt only to find that she cannot get her plastic princess’s foot into a slipper that is about 40 sizes smaller than the princess foot. I look at her and ask if she is serious and she looks at me, bats her eyes and says, “Of corse Mommy. Dis is just awful. Whatever should I do?” Gag, I mean gagaroons. So, I go back to the tub after explaining to a sobbing 3 year old that the big, oversized Little People Princess foot will not fit into small Barbie’s high heel. WHO even makes high heels for Barbies anyways? Geeze.

So, I attempt to continue shaving my other leg when I notice that her room is quiet, but I convince myself that she is just playing nicely with her princess castle. Well, then the vet calls….see, I told you and I talk to one of the most fantabulous vet techs ever (besides you Nora, you haven’t given me your cell yet smart girl, haha) for about 15 minutes while Murray sits in the corner of the bathroom giving me evil stares that say, “If you try anything that girl is telling you I will tee all over you when you go to sleep tonight.” Anyways, I get off the phone, try to finish up the bath and then hear Lou padding into my room and when she gets in there she just stares at me. So, I say, “Yes, what you doing Poo?” Well, she still looks at me with this almost eerie look (it is almost the same as the look she gets right before she pukes, so I get nervous) and then she grasps her hands together all angelically at her waist, smiles, bats her eyes and says, “Mommy, I fink you might need to gib me a spanking and den put me in time out but don’t go in my room, otay?” Crap. Really? So, I ask her what she has done and she sweetly replies, “Oh Mommy, don worry about dats, lets just get a spanking and time out and den lets go see Miss Summer and Mordan Tate for lunch, otay?” So, finally I just give up on the bath. I don’t even know which leg is shaved or not, or if I have washed the shampoo out of my hair, but I’m obviously finished here. So, I walk to Louisa’s room with her in front of me waving me off the entire time telling me, “Don be siwwy Mommy, don go in my rooms, otay??” and then I see it. My makeup bag on the floor, Bare Minerals spilled all over the hardwoods and a baby doll that looks like it has been tragically attacked by a mascara wand. Louisa is dancing all around her room at this point in the most pathetic pity-me dance I have ever seen and I just walk back into my room, shut the door and try to get dressed and count to 10 before I loose my marbles. Why are toddlers so tiring? And why is mine soooo predictable?

Anyways, we get over the hurdle and then head and meet friends from lunch and then head to Target to get Murray different cat food as I have convinced myself for the time-being that it isn’t thyroid issues and instead food allergy since I changed up her food about a month ago. I am in Target for maybe 15 minutes because THANKFULLY they don’t have any new clothes or shoes out. And Lou’s mouth is running the ENTIRE time. Let me just give you an excerpt:

L – Mommy, do you wan to buy me some new toofpaste? Oooh, I lub the Dora toofpaste. Oooooh, Mommy did you see dat lady and her funny hair? Oh my gawsh, she looks so siwwy!

A
– Louisa, please do not talk about other people and their hair. It is not nice, remember how I told you we are all different and that doesn’t make us silly?

L
– Yeah, but I forgots. Oh wells. Ooooooh, Mommy look at dat pink aisle. Let’s go dere. Oh gosh, I need to see dat. Mommy, did you hears me? (obviously I have pushed the buggy past the pink aisle whatever that is) MOOOOOOMMMYYY I NEEEEED TO SEE DAT PINK AISLE, turn rounds right dis second madam!

A
– Louisa, I am getting so close to taking you into the bathroom and spanking your hiney if you don’t stop talking to me that way.

L
– Otay, but den could we go to the pink aisle?

And then about 5 minutes later….

L – Mommy, Mommy I fink I need some tennis shoes like Ewwa has, remembers? We need to go look at shoes otay? Wait, Mommy did you hear me? I said I NEEEED some tennis shoes, wets go find the shoes otay? Ooooooh dear, Mommy look at dat man and how silly his clothes are, oooh my gawsh!

A – Louisa, I am not kidding, you have GOT to stop talking about other people, it hurts their feelings.

L – (directed to the man she just picked on that may not have noticed at all) Excuse me man, I din mean to hurt your feewings. It is jes your clothes look funny!

A – (in my head) Oh shiz.

L – Otay, Mommy how bout da shoes? Did you remembers? Oh, why do we hab to get Murray some food? (Now laughing hysterically) MOMMY, did you hear dat toot? Oh my gosh, it was so loud and it tickled my hiney and I hope it doesn’t smell like bad poo poo!

Do you catch my drift here yet? I am dying. My ears are stained and I am just worn out. I love her to death and she cracks me up, but I swear I need a muzzle when I take her out in public. This one lady in the line looked at me and laughed and said, “Does she do this all day?” And I looked at her with complete shock and innocence and said, “Do what?” The look of horror on the lady’s face was all the grown-up humor I needed for the moment and just the moment of insanity that any other mother could appreciate. Then, she finally figured out what I was doing and started laughing hysterically. Then I said to her, “Exactly, you have to laugh….or else I’d cry my eyes out all day.” I think one of the Indigo Girls said that and I couldn’t be truer.

So, I finally hear some quiet from the sassafras’s room and although my better instincts tell me she is up to no good, I just can’t go there right now. I need a breather. :)

Until next time…

6 comments:

kosekcasa said...

And I thought Kate was a talker...

BTW...can totally relate about the Barbie high heel scenario. We tackle that drama daily. Yesterday I saw one high heel on the kitchen floor and just threw it away...I'm sure that will come back to bite me in the rear.

If it makes you feel any better, Louisa's language skills are remarkable for her age :)

Rachel said...

i love her.

Penny Ginn said...

Rolling on the floor. Laughing. And thinking, I'm so glad it's you and not me! ha ha!

Penny Ginn said...

Rolling on the floor. Laughing. And thinking, I'm so glad it's you and not me! ha ha!

Russ, Anna, Pepper and Vesper said...

Oh my!!!! Louisa is one of a kind, LOVE her!!!!

Hilary said...

I am so glad that other moms have those days besides only me. My 3 year old gets frustrated when he can't find his favorite football. Different issue, but same fit like the Barie shoe. And why are toots so funny for them? Carter has to announce every one especially when we are in public! Gotta love them, but AGREED...they wear you out!!!