Thursday, December 30, 2010

2010...What a Year

And what a year has taught me. Is it possible that in just a year you can gain so much insight into life and the way things work? I think so, or at my case - that is the explanation. Before I sat down to blog this, I looked over my year in review from last year (you can read that here) and was a bit humbled that in the last 2 years I have learned a lot of "grown-up" things. I don't really consider myself a grown-up. I guess I probably need to since I have passed the 30-mark and have a child with another on the way and a mortgage and things such as that. This past year, although I did learn a lot, I can honestly narrow it all down to one theme (Mrs. Best, my high-school English teacher would be proud...I finally get the whole concept of a theme) and I will summarize (haha, we all know how I ramble) here.

WARNING - I got a bit mushy. Not something typical of me, but it happens time to time. :)

The year started off with a sort-of bang for me. I had just finished up some house projects (ie. painting, curtains, pillows, etc) and dove into what was busiest year for my business brownie-goose. Orders were out-of-control, there was fabric everywhere, I was trying to learn how to balance it all and then there was the swine flu. That was awful. I don't remember hallucinating with a fever that bad EVER. I don't recommended coming down with the piggie flu. Then, a pregnancy. I was over-joyed and over the moon...until it ended. This was a huge mountain in my life to climb. The one simple act of losing a child that I had never met or held or known the sex of (I now am positive it was a girl, I just know by the way I felt and then how I felt with this boy that is still thriving in my uterus) taught me a life-time of lessons. Mostly though, how precious life is. How sometimes, I just might need to slow down to appreciate that preciousness. I asked myself one day, have I ever taken the time to appreciate all that I had. And as bad as this sounds and as much as I wanted to come up with excuses, I don't really think that I had before. I felt ashamed and felt selfish and made a mental note to take more time out of the day to be thankful for the blessings that I had in my life. This is much easier said than done, especially when things seem to go "wrong" all at once, such as I talked about in this post. But I realized that you have to overlook the bad. I think that there will always be good and bad in your life at the same time. It is a matter of trying to focus more on the good than the bad in which you will make it all through. Once again, easier said than done - but a good thought to base it all by. But, on to that theme I was talking about before I once again lose focus. The theme for this last year for me is

the beauty of timing.

Now, for one Type A personality, this was a very, very hard lesson to learn, and I am still learning. It is so hard for me to let go of the reins and realize that while certain things may not be penciled in on my to-do list for the day, it doesn't mean that they cannot happen. I like to have control over things. But do I enjoy that control? Not really, because at the end of it all...I learned that the few times I let go of the reins and just took a seat in the back and enjoyed the scenery along the way - I had the most fun. Now, I am still working on this on a daily basis. I am who I am, and while I have been this way for 30 years - I would like to say that the next 30 years would be different. I don't have to have the control. In fact, joke is on me. I DON'T have the control, I just think that I do. I will not go all religious on you here, for I really like to keep my thoughts on spirituality private - but I know who has control and I know that He probably has the best time laughing at me. I know He thinks, "When is this girl going to ever learn?" And instead of punishing me for not learning, he keeps teaching me. And - I will continue on the path of giving up that control and learning to like enjoying the scenery and all that it has to offer. A good friend gave me a key chain for my birthday that has a saying on it that I try to remember.

Let it be. For reals. Just let it go, Amy.

Back to the beauty of timing - I can summarize just a few ways in which I have learned that my timing isn't always the right timing.
  • First and foremost, my miscarriage. At the time, I didn't understand. I didn't understand why in the world I was given the gift of life to only have it taken away 2 months later. And to be honest - it wasn't until this fall, actually November 15th, her due date that I realized why. Timing was not right. I laid in bed awake in the middle of the night and thought, oh my goodness - a newborn right now could not have worked where we were as a family. And at that time, I got it. And I took back all the bad thoughts that I had about it in the first place. The sorrow will never be gone, and that sweet baby will never be forgotten - but the timing was NOT right and I just couldn't see that at the time. But, in a way...I almost breathed a sigh of relief that things worked out the way they did. This is not coming out the way that I mean it, I never am happy that I lost a baby - but I learned so much about me, my body, timing and my family in the process that I had to be thankful for the opportunity. I think up until last spring, I may have taken too much for granted - including time.
  • Friends. Oh my goodness, the beauty of a friend. I have been blessed throughout life with the most amazing friends there are. My girlfriends are the best ever and they are all different. And I love that. But it is funny to me how different friends come into your life at different times. Some take a break, but then come back - and you never think twice about the time that was gone. I don't think there is a better remedy in life like laughing with a friend. Well, snuggling with my labradors comes VERY close but good friends are just the best thing out there. But, first and labradors still remain to be my besties.
  • A growing child. I honestly think my Louisa Kate grows faster than a weed. Not in actual physical size, for we all know who she gets her height from (guilty), but overall. You always have older mothers tell you when you have younger kids that they grow so fast and take this time to enjoy every moment. It seems like someone always says this to you at a time when you have your hands locked in your hair about to rip it all out and you think to yourself, "Oh my she kidding?" But no, she isn't. My child turned 3 this year. I just made an appointment in March for her kindergarten shots. Oh my goshers. When did this even happen? It makes me want to cry. But then again, that could be the hormones. :) Yesterday she did something that I can honestly count on ONE hand the number of times she has done it. She fell asleep on my chest while I was sitting in a chair. Even as a baby she didn't do this. I think this was the 4th time in her life that it has happened. And although my iron was on as I was trying to finish up the crib skirt, the dishes needed to be done and there was laundry finished up in the dryer - I didn't move. I stayed in that chair with my back killing me, about to tinkle in my pants and burping up fire as my 3 year old and 33 week old where having it out for space on the front side of me. While I sat there listening to Lou breathe, rubbing her back and feeling my sweet little boy move around underneath her I teared up. This is what being a Mom is about. This is why I stay at home. It is not about how many outfits I can get sewn and out the door for some extra cash, it isn't about keeping a clean house or having things done "on time" is about these simple moments in life. The TIMING. This moment will probably never happen again, and hot damn...I enjoyed every moment of it. I wish I could have bottled it up and saved some to enjoy on one of those days when my hair is about to be pulled out. But that is the beauty of timing my dears, living in the moment. Taking that time out of your day to enjoy the blessings that are handed to you. For those that had a spot in the cathedral at St. Andrew's on Christmas Eve, Dean O'Connor spoke about just that. It is about giving up your spot in the balcony of the ballroom and getting out on the dance-floor without a care. Let it go, enjoy life while it is in front of you...don't merely be an observer. Embrace it.
So while I sense the mushiness is at an all-time high in this blog and that makes me twitch uncomfortably, I will only say a bit more. But in retrospect, thank you 2010 for teaching me the beautiful lesson of time, and timing and how precious it all is - whether on my schedule or not. For, in 2011 I plan on taking this "new-found-knowledge" and making some great use out of it. The Norris Family is going to slow down. For reals. I know it sounds super ironic since come February 16th it will probably spin out of control, but I am not the first mom to do this. I can do this. And I think if I can keep it slow, and focused on family - things will work. Not perfectly, but maybe now and then a good speed bump along the way will remind me to slow down. brownie-goose will be taking a back seat to my family, the way it should have been from the will be on a basis of supply when I can not supply by demand. Money will be tight - but money cannot buy happiness, or most cannot buy me back the time with my children while they are young. So, this year it is all about letting it be. Taking time to smell the roses, the poopy diapers, the pretend dinner that my toddler makes me, etc. I owe a lot to my sweet friend Anna, one of which came into my life at a perfect time and gave me this key chain and helps to remind me daily to let it go. Another goes to my friend Tori who on a whim sent me a forwarded email one day and I don't know if she ever realized how much of an impact it had on me. It was a talk by Rick Warren who authored "Purpose Driven Life" and one of the things he said in his talk was, "God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do. That is why we are called human beings not human doings." So, basically at the end of the is about who I was - not what I did. Was I a great Mom today? Did I take the time to enjoy what I have been given? Or, did I worry about what needed to be done and fore-go the beauty of life before me? Did I dance on the floor without a care in the world, or did I sit in the balcony and watch it happen for others? In this busy age, the latter is the more popular...but maybe just letting it be will be okay. So, onward into 2011 when things will be slower, simpler and basic. Anyone care to join me?

Now just to lighten things up a bit as I like to do with a heavy post, I saw this recipe in a magazine I was reading last night and laughed and said to Byron, "Look...this looks like a recipe I would make." Haha, frizzled eggs. Frizzle my shizzle. :)

Until next time and Happy New Years!


Nikki said...

Amy, i am so thankful that i found your blog! you are truly a great writer and very true, which i thoroughly enjoy! thanks for saying all the things that we all moms think about but some may not have the guts to say to the world! so happy for you and your sweet growing family! happy new years and know that i am taking your advice and running :)

Sara said...

aw.... tears... and I am not preggers.

Russ, Anna, Pepper and Vesper said...

love you boo!!!

The Life and Times of Krysten with a "Y" said...

It's incredible how much you learn about yourself while raising/having a kid! It may be mushy, but at least it's honest! So many people rush through their kids childhood and forget to enjoy those times when your 3 year old falls asleep on your chest. I really enjoy reading your blogs! :]

K.S. said...

happy new year, amy. thank you for this beautiful and my type "a" self are going to try to join you and 'let it be' in 2011. love this lesson...prayers for you and your beautiful family!!