Sunday, April 10, 2011

The Corner Grocery

You see this...

I earned every.last.drop plus a few more. All in a simple trip to the grocery store.

One would think that I would have learned by now that I seem to be that character from Peanuts (Charlie Brown) that has the dirt cloud following him. Ever since I had is like drama and disaster is around every corner, it follows me. When I walk, I leave a wake of crap behind. Never, ever a dull moment.

But I haven't learned. Instead, I just experience things over and again and blog about them to hopefully entertain all of you. Let's talk about today's grocery trip.

I mean, how hard should a grocery trip be? Really? Ask me before kids and I would say I could do it with eyes closed. Now, let me say I should go with my eyes closed, maybe even blind-folded and in a mask so that no one knows who I am. Maybe like this.

And you know...she wore that the entire grocery trip. She did.

My corner grocery store has been blogged about before. It is more expensive, kinda dirty sometimes, I have to double-check the expiration dates, etc. But it is WAY to convenient for me to pass up. It is right around the corner, they know me there, they help me out with my groceries and the ignore the pile of destruction that I leave behind. For those of you that have been with me for a while...yes, this is the same grocery that Louisa pulled my pants down at. Lovely, so they really know me there.

So, I feed Nash and then get ready to head out the door. This is how I have done every other grocery trip. It's nice. He is asleep by the time I get there, and he sleeps in his car seat the entire time. And this quiet and cooperation makes up for the fact that I no longer have room left in the buggy to put groceries and I have to get creative in where I put things without looking like I am shop-lifting. Well, not today. I get there, put him in his seat in the buggy and he wakes up. So, I plug the mouth with the paci and get maybe 3 minutes out of it. Yes, I could have just left him screaming while I shopped...but I didn't. Instead - I got him out, held him cradled in my arms and had a buggy that was now taken over by an empty car seat. So, much to Louisa's happiness, I told her she could walk (eeeeekkk) so that I could put the carrier in the front part and have the back of the buggy wide open for groceries. Mind you, this store isn't a busy place. That is why I enjoy it. I don't have to worry about moving around peeps the whole time.

Well, let the fun begin. First of all, I quickly realize that I have a buggy that has definitely seen better days. It doesn't steer correctly and the wheels wiggle and carry on like it is their business. So, as I am trying to push it and look over the car seat (remember...I tend to be on the short side) to avoid knocking over any displays - I do the unthinkable. And, oops...I giggled when it happened and I am giggling again. I ran over Louisa. Like - plowed her down. She was face-down on the floor with the buggy over her. Oh dear. So, we all know Lou. Everyone within a 20 mile radius heard about that incident. So, the manager comes over (remember...I told you were are known there) and offers to get me a new cart with a smile he is obviously trying to hold in the giggles as I am bouncing a baby that is half-way dangling in my arms and trying to soothe a 4 year old drama queen with tire-marks on her back. Did I mention she is still wearing the glasses with the nose?

So, I get a new cart. Well, this one isn't as bad...but isn't much better so I just decide to pull it from the back. You know this set me up for numerous times in which the metal part that connects the wheels bumped my achilles and created a bouncing effect for the cart and some choice words from me that is still balancing a newborn, a cart and a 4 year old Groucho Marx. I am over in the produce section trying to figure out what I may want for the week since I realize that I have no clue where my list has gone (I think I lost in in the running over of the toddler incident). I glance to find Louisa right about the time she goes to grab an avocado and say, "ooooh mommy - you lub dese!" Well, you guessed it. It was like a cascade. She couldn't have picked a better avacado to grab if she tried. So, here I am bent over with baby dangling in arms picking up avocados off the ground. Well, Murphy peeks in and makes the paci that is in Nash's mouth fall out...and you know I've blogged before about how those Soothie pacis bounce. Well, I am chasing down the paci and here comes the manager again and tells me not to worry - he will get the rest of the produce. I apologize a bazillionk times and I know I am red in the face because I can feel my ears burning. Ugh.

So, we carry on. I make my way down the chip aisle, the lunch meat aisle, pick out some meats for the week and I am doing good. Well, I speak too soon. As I am rounding a corner (I was again pushing from the front, even though I should have learned lesson) and trying to tell Louisa that she doesn't need to help me pull the buggy and that I've got it...I hear it. Boom and then the rolling of canned veggies. We all know my sailor tongue. I had done so well up to this point, and when I peek around the buggy I see an entire display of green beans on the ground and some still rolling. Well, I say it. Shit. And then I stomp my foot and say it again. Well, here comes the manager again and this time he is laughing. I am begging for forgiveness and asking if he is going to ban me from coming again when it happens. Lou walks over to the fallen veggies, stomps her foot, puts her hand on her hip and looks at us and says, "Shit. Shit, shit shit." Dying here. Oh my gosh...dying here. The manager has to turn his back because he is laughing so hard. OH MY GOSH I am mortified. And so, I calmly explain to Lou that Mommy said a bad word she shouldn't have and that I should never say it again and that Lou definitely shouldn't say it when she says (with the manager still in ear-shot), "Oh Mommy, you say dat all the times!" Note to self...soap in the mouth.

It is at this point that I decide I am no longer doing any good at the grocery. I need to leave. I don't have my list so I have no clue of what I need and what I don't. I still have a baby dangling in my arms. I still have Groucho with me and I am defeated. I almost went over to the beer section and grabbed a cold one and popped the top. I think the manager would have encouraged me at that point. So, we head to the check-out line with all our disaster following close. Well, I put Nash back in his seat so I can unload and pay and of course he starts screaming. And this gets looks from others in the store like, "why aren't you picking him up?" "shame on her, why is she letting that baby scream" etc. Crackers. So, I am on the verge of tears anyways, and then Lou decides to push the buggy backwards to me and it rolls over my poor flip-flopped toe that I have just recently lost my toenail and it is super painful. I cringe, and somehow manage to pay and get out to my car in one piece.

Then, as I am walking my buggy back to the designated spot in the lot this lady comes up and says, "Honey. PLEASE let me take this. Bless your heart. You and all those kids." Wow. I really only have 2. Do I look that bad? But, I thanked her and didn't mind the pity she gave me.

So, you see my friends...this Corona is just fine right now. In fact, I may need a few more. I toe does hurt. :)

Oh, and you know Nash fell asleep before I even got home. Maybe 2 miles away. Little stinker. And I think there was a lot more that happened in this horrendous trip...but I am done thinking about it for the moment. Maybe I need to give that particular store some space...just like I did for a while after Lou pulled my pants down. I thought for sure I blogged about that time, but I couldn't find it just now. Oh wells....time for another bevo.


Heather said...

This is hillarious!!! I can sooo relate to this. I HATE taking my kid's to the grocery store with me. I remember the first time I took all three. I had an old lady pitty me too! Just hang in there. It will get better :)

Sara said...

I can relate to the seeing over the car seat in the buggy part and the crying baby part, but not much else THANK GOODNESS. Sometimes it's enough for the family to all be alive at the end of the day. That in and of itself is an accomplishment and, well, if there were 4 year olds run over and babies left to cry, then too bad. Thanks for giving me a laugh. :)

B said...

Have you tried a baby carrier like bjorn, ergo, moby, etc etc for Nash. Mine LOVED it and it was a much more successful grocery experience with him in it.

Laura @ our messy messy life. said...

I just laughed so hard I peed in my pants reading this!!!! I can so very much relate to two children feeling like "all those kids".

And, I also very much second the suggestion of a good baby carrier :)